


Six Times Caduceus Clay Saved the Mighty Nein, and One the Other Way Around

by SethLost



Series: Oneshots and Short Stories [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caduceus Clay Needs a Hug, Caduceus Clay-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26635435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SethLost/pseuds/SethLost
Summary: On a particularly rough day on the sea, the Mighty Nein are attacked. One by one, Caduceus helps them up, and protects them each. As it continues, he starts to overthink things, and soon enough he's sure he's in the wrong.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Beauregard Lionett, Caduceus Clay & Caleb Widogast, Caduceus Clay & Fjord, Caduceus Clay & Jester Lavorre, Caduceus Clay & Nott | Veth Brenatto, Caduceus Clay & The Mighty Nein, Caduceus Clay & Yasha
Series: Oneshots and Short Stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2060223
Comments: 7
Kudos: 110





	Six Times Caduceus Clay Saved the Mighty Nein, and One the Other Way Around

**Author's Note:**

> There isn't enough Caduceus Clay sadness out there. And I'm a sucker for the wise ones faltering. Enjoy!

Beau knew she was worse that she looked.

Every step she took sent a slamming pain through her head, and her balance and reflexes were far too off for her liking. She hadn't been hurt, there'd been barely any fighting, but even so, the monk was starting to get worried.

She was currently leaning on the deck of the ship, trying to escape into the winds and hide from the pain. It was calming, but the expansiveness of the ocean made her think too hard.

She buried her face in her hands, taking in a breath. This migraine was getting to her. She hated every second of it; it was more annoying than painful at times, but this was not one of those notice-me pulses- the light reflecting off the ocean felt like knives. 

"Beau!" 

She startled, dropping her hands and spinning around to face an annoyed Veth. "What?"

"Breakfast!" She scurried away before listening to a response.

Now that she thought about it, the mouthwatering scent of some sort of omelet did seem appetizing to Beau, even as her head throbbed with her heartbeat as she made her way to the table.

Caduceus was in what looked like a home made apron with the words, "Cleric buddies," on it in big green letters. He carried plates of food to the table, a smile on his face as even Caleb gave him pat on the shoulder and a quick Zemnian compliment. 

"Caduceus, it's burning! What do I do?!" Jester yelled, peaking out of the kitchen. She was covered in flour and egg, and her matching Cleric Buddies apron was already too messy to read. Her eyes were wide with panic.

Caduceus locked eyes with Beau, expected a sarcastic remark, but she didn't have it in her, so she just smiled at him. His own grin faltered a little, and a look of thoughtfulness crossed his face, before Jester's panicked screeching had him rushing into the chaos kitchen.

Beau exited the room, instead leaning against the counter just outside the collective dining situation. The feeling of tightly packed people around a table not as appetizing as whatever was burning in the kitchen.

She rubbed her eyes as they throbbed and wondered why this was happening. She didn't often get sick, and migraines usually weren't a part of them. Was it poison? She didn't remember being pricked, but then again, she couldn't remember what she was doing there, as her headache began to take up her full attention.

"Miss Beau?"

"Wha-?" She said, turning lazily toward a worried Caduceus, poking his head outside the dining room frame, whose apron had a small char mark on the shoulder.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah, I'm-" She hesitated. With a sigh, she looked him in the eye. "I've got like this massive headache right now, and I have no idea why I have it, where it came from, or..." she trailed off.

He frowned, confusion flickering across his face, but Beau could still see the worry in his eyes. He stepped out fully, and his hand twitched. "You think you'd be okay with me casting greater restoration?"

She thought, hesitating, but shrugged her shoulders. "Honestly, at this point, I'd rather be rid of this that be conservative, so..."

He reached out his hand, and Beau took it. Warmth flew through her, calming her senses and relaxing her muscles, and her eyes opened a little wider, but the headache remained, stubbornly pulsing in response.

She sighed. "It didn't work."

"I can make you some tea, I know some herbs that may help, if it's inflammatory." He put a hand on her shoulder. "I'll be right back. If... you'd prefer to stay here, I won't tell anyone?"

She tilted her head. "They would just worry, there's nothing they can do to help."

He nodded, a brief smile crossing his face, before rushing back to the kitchen.

Beau took a breath, steadying herself on the wall. She was glad Caduceus was there, even more so that she'd told him, but she started to worry. Why didn't greater restoration work? Isn't that supposed to be like the problem solver for everything? 

Why did her head hurt more?

She closed her eyes against the suddenly blinding light, putting a hand on her forehead. It pulsed again, angrily, and she felt it start to swell into a rage. She'd thought she'd gone through the worst of it. Apparently, she was wrong.

Her sight was blurred, her teeth and jaw and ears and brain ached like a major concussion, and she wished she could sleep it off. She wasn't sure she could sleep restfully, though.

Caduceus returned with a small pot of tea and a gentle smile that faded the second he saw Beau. He was by her side in a second. "Beau, you should probably lay down," he said, concerned, as he started looking her over more closely.

She didn't respond. Her jaw was clenched too tight, her ears rang and she barely kept her eyes open. There was a small "Aha," but it felt distant.

She was unconscious before she fell.

~

Yasha was angry.

She stood at the bow of the ship, just where Beau had been standing earlier, feeling the familiar rage pulsing through her blood, and with every heartbeat she quieted it against her nature. She was useless right now. A broken mast wouldn't wake Beau up.

She had heard Caduceus call out first, and stormed out of the dining room to see him holding an unconscious Beauregard, his hands glowing bright pink as he seemed to be attempting to heal her. She grabbed his shoulder and pulled him away, taking Beau in her arms and looking her over gently, ignoring Jester's worried cry or Veth's humorless jokes. Caduceus pointed to a spot at the base of the human's neck, and when Yasha looked closer, she saw the slight price of the skin and the tiny reddish veins protruding from the hole.

She lifted Beau into her arms and began carrying her to her room, hearing Caduceus' gentle footsteps following and Caleb's loud comment of giving them space. She felt a burst of gratitude for him, but the worry and guilt slammed into her quickly and she laid the human on the bed, pulling two chairs and sitting next to Caduceus as he began poking and prodding, hmming and haaing. 

Jester persuaded her out of there after four hours, and now she stood on the edge of the boat, realizing the burning in her eyes was tears.

She tightened her grip on the edge of the boat, when soft footsteps forced her to turn.

She saw a bleak and ashamed Caduceus, ears drooping slightly. Before she could speak, he apologized.

"I'm sorry, Miss Yasha."

She frowned. "For what?"

"I knew something was wrong when she stepped into the kitchen, but I couldn't fix it. I still can't. I feel largely to blame for her state."

Yasha shook her head violently. "No. You never knew about the darts. I had seen it, but it passed my mind too quickly."

His ears perked up. "You saw the dart? Did you see where it landed?"

"I..." she thought back, saw Beau angrily ripping it out of her neck, the blood that dripped down, tossing it... "Just over here."

She stepped towards the small barrel next to the mast, kneeling down. After only a few seconds of searching, Caduceus, next to her, took in a breath. He held a small blue feathered dart in between his finger and thumb. 

"I'll have Veth look at it." Caduceus' meek state had completely vanished, replaced with an endearing almost childlike hope, infectious enough that she felt herself start to look forward to when Beau woke up. 

He stood and began walking to the cabin, but paused, his tail swishing between his legs.

"Miss Yasha?"

"Yes, Clay?"

"Battle is known to mess with people's heads. People forget, people make mistakes. You were, simply put, naturally reacting to nature. You're not at fault here."

She thought about it. His words made sense, and she felt some of the shame absolve from her shoulders. "Thank you, Mr. Clay."

He smiled. "Get some rest, Miss Yasha. We'll need you in the morning."

As he vanished into the cabin, dart in hand, the sea exploded.

~

Nott had scurried under the deck the second the needle hit her neck, but even now she knew hiding wasn't doing her any good.

She recognized the feel of the chemical as it pulled into her bloodstream- not a knockout agent, but liquefied foxglove root. This was deadly, this was lethal, she could die within seconds and she knew it wasn't gonna be painless. And so she hid under the deck and ripped out the dart and ripped to pieces, all as she counted down the seconds until symptoms kicked in.

Her foot twitched and she pushed herself deeper inside. She heard Fjord yell, she heard a clang of swords, a roar from Yasha and a nervous giggle from Jester, followed by a lot of pink light and a loud thwack. Good. Jester had her senses. 

Her foot twitched again, and she felt a presence in front of the deck. She bit her lip and silenced her breathing. A pink tail brushed underneath the ledge.

Caduceus. Of course.

She whispered, "Mr. Clay, do you perhaps have a lesser restoration on you?"

The tail brushed against her now violently shaking foot as she felt the fever start to set in, and a calming voice gently called back, "Stay under there until you find an opening."

The little pink fluff glowed brightly, and Nott breathed in a shaky sigh as she felt the foxglove neutralize. She whispered confirmation, and the tail swished against her foot comfortingly, but the firbolg didn't leave.

She found out when he slammed his staff into the floorboard and yelled one commanding word. "Flee!"

She felt the boat's fervent rocking slow, a collective breath, and a, "We've got one minute. Fjord-"

A pause.

"Fjord?"

~

Fjord loved the ocean.

It was his childhood, and adulthood, now, and it was an expansive beauty he drunk in every time he stood at the bow of a ship, wind and salt in his hair and a smile on his lips.

This time, though, was different. The waves had been angry, and Fjord didn't think enough to have caution. He threw himself overboard, and within seconds, he was ripped away from reality.

It took him a second to realize he was about to drown.

He'd already inhaled water. It scorched at the bottom of his lungs and burned and screamed. 

He didn't know if the ship left yet. 

He couldn't tell if the strange fish men stirring up the waves for a meal were gone. 

He wasn't sure where his friends were, how deep he was, why his eyes were starting to feel heavy, even as his brain yelled at him to survive, to keep fighting.

He didn't know how.

He floundered weakly. He couldn't take in air or push it out. He struggled, and cried soundless against the waves.

And then a hand grabbed his wrist.

It was a blur until he made it to the surface; he remembered nothing but silky hair and vibrant pink around him, and then he was on the deck of a ship, sputtering and coughing.

There was an arm wrapped around his shoulders and a murmered voice encouraging him to relax, he was safe, they were okay, listen to the waves.

The wood at his knees was solid and sturdy even as his head spun, as was the familiar presence at his back, holding him steady.

It took him a minute, but he breathed tentatively, feeling no resistance. Everything hurt, he was sore, his lungs still burned and he tasted blood, but he was alive.

All thanks to Caduceus. 

Fjord looked up blearily at the firbolg, who had his eyes closed, eyebrows tense in worry. He put his hand on his shoulder, startling him back to reality, and croaked a very hoarse, "Thank you."

Caduceus just smiled softly, rubbing circles into Fjord's back as he attempted to fight off another coughing fit. "I was just worried you wouldn't make it. I... I'll admit, I was frightened. But I was more terrified I wouldn't get to you in time. And here you are."

Fjord smiled weakly, about to speak, but a cough cut him off. He felt Caduceus only shift to steady him once more, and he felt a warmth flow through him, helping sooth his lungs. 

He was so tired.

He leaned against his friend, filled with nothing but trust and gratitude, and nodded off right there on the cleric's shoulder.

~

Jester watched Fjord disappear underwater, she watched Caduceus follow, and she felt the powerful effects of the Command spell hovering in the air. She watched, holding her breath, lollipop poised by her side, for the monsters to come back.

She heard Veth scurry back from below deck, holding her neck with tears in her eyes. Jester called out, "You're okay, now, Veth!" And with a quick healing word, she watched the halfing straighten, arming her crossbow.

And at once, she felt the command spell falter.

It took everything inside her not to panic, thinking about Caduceus under the waves, remembering his fear, thinking about Fjord, drowning in his own territory, thinking about the rest of them, about to die at the hands of the merciless sea. 

When they burst out of the waves, she did what she loved to do.

She attacked.

Every spell was as colorful her God's green cloak, and as powerful as her childlike presence. She barely noticed Caduceus, bleeding, drag a choking Fjord on deck. She didn't notice Yasha sprout her wings, or Caleb's walls nearly crumble as the monsters fell to fire spell after fire spell, or Veth sliding in and out of boxes, where the triton, suddenly filled with arrows, collapsed back into the sea.

Instead, she felt a presence, but she didn't turn around quick enough.

She felt a searing pain in her stomach. In an attempt not to throw up, she looked around, dazed...

And a creature from across the sea met her gaze, and raised its finger to point...

And she felt the Traveler take her hands, she heard his cry, she heard Caduceus yell out, but it wasn't enough, and darkness took her vision.

~

He stood, he charged across the deck, he left Fjord defenseless and Veth vulnerable, but he grabbed the little blue tiefling before she hit the floor.

He felt two hands on her shoulder and he screamed, pouring every unspoken angry word into a wordless painful threat of death, and he felt the hands dissolve into the air.

No more distractions.

He pressed a kiss to the sapphire's forehead, and poured every bit of love he had for this family he was given, this family he would follow to the grave, into the sugar pea he held in his arms.

Every God would work right now. He screamed to the Wildmother, to the Stormlord, to the Traveler, to everyone who could hear his prayers.

He felt the Wildmother fill him and ease his pain, and in the seconds before he fell into the spell, he saw a separate hand cover his own, resting over Jester's heart.

He heard a voice whisper in his ear.

"You save my cleric, child of the mother, and I will be in your debt."

And power, chaos, something he'd never felt before, filled him in every limb, but he ignored it, instead pouring it into his best friend, his cooking buddy, his little blue sapphire.

And when her eyes opened to meet his, it took every shred he had left not to cry.

~

She saw Caduceus first, soaked to the core, blood trickling from his nose.

She saw a shape of a thousand different flora behind him, a smile that thanked her for returning to her realm.

And she saw her best friend dressed in green, her knight in shining armor, hood down and tears falling openly down his face, hands on Caduceus' shoulders, glowing brighter than when she was six years old.

She was alive.

Caduceus embraced her, and she felt him shudder, but she held him close, whispering a thank you thank you thank you thank you and hearing his only response of I’m sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

She looked over his shoulder as he tried not to cry, and saw clear ocean and blue sky.

"Caduceus, what did you do?"

He simply held her until she tried to stand, and then he helped her up and led her to rest in her room. She felt exhausted, but she saw his tears and let him stay until he fell asleep by her side.

"Traveler, what did you do to Caduceus?"

The shape of a green cloak sat dejected at the foot of her bed. 

"How did he do that?"

"I lent him my power. All of it, so he could bring you back. He prayed to me and I answered."

Jester paused, halfway through yawning. "All of your power?"

He nodded, still refusing to look at her.

"Is thst how he managed to kill all the sea monsters?"

Another nod.

"Traveler, you saved me, you know."

"Melora did," the figure countered, voice breaking. "And your Caduceus, he did too."

Jester shook her head. "You don't understand. You saved all of us, because we all would've died. We weren't strong and we were unprepared, and you giving your power to Caduceus saved us."

Artagan smiled briefly. "That's a bit egotistical to accept that, you know."

"But it's true!"

The figure sigjed, and gently patted her foot. "I'll be watching out, too. Get some rest, my little Jester."

She yawned again, and snuggled into the blankets. "Thank you, Traveler."

He snorted.

As she slept, the god of chaos whispered a very small thank you to the Wildmother and her child.

~

Caleb woke up screaming.

The room was too dark. It closed in on him, tilting, humid, angry, bleary, he couldn't steady himself but he was standing, he had to run, get away, run away-

He fell, knees slamming into the floor, he felt a crack and he cried out, there was something around his throat, he was trapped, he wasn't going to escape. He'd been found. He was going to die. He was dying.

And then he opened his eyes, and his scream pierced the air.

And then there was light, there was air, he could breathe, but there were tears sliding down his cheeks and his face burned because he should not be alive, why was he alive?

He was sitting up, he should move, leave, escape before they come back for him-

"Mr. Caleb, you're awake, it was a nightmare."

His head snapped to the side and someone was there, right beside him, he wasn't alone, oh god-

And then a breath of fresh air flooded into the room, carrying the scent of rose petals with it, and Caleb could see.

Caduceus Clay's face remained impassive, but a hint of worry was there in the way his ears trembled ever so slightly as he sat on the chair by his bed, hand outstretched for Caleb. He relaxed from his scrunched up position at the foot of the mattress. His... friend... didn't seem scared of Caleb, no, more concerned, and a feeling of guilt tried to surge into the wizard's throat before the scent of flowers nulled it. Caleb gently took the firbolg's hand.

Caduceus immediately started rubbing his thumb over the back of his trembling hand, soothing warmth flooding from his fingertips. Caleb felt the dream resurface, and despite the effects of what he recognized as a calm emotions spell, he felt his shoulders slouch as tears slipped once more from his eyes.

There was a large shift, and the weight of the bed changed, before Caleb felt himself leaning into Caduceus' soothing presence, and let himself cry.

The firbolg never told him to stop, or to cheer up. Instead he murmered the exact date of today, the type of tea he'd made for Jester this morning, the color of Fjord's boots and how many times Nott had scurried up and down the crow's nest after breakfast. He whispered Beau's reaction to Jester's prank pie, the number of dick statues on the deck of the ship, the amount of monsters they'd somehow managed to avoid, how Marius is still tied halfway up the mast, and slowly, slowly, Caleb felt himself start to ground, his feet touching down in reality once more. But even after he knew he was awake, he allowed himself a few more minutes in his friend's arms. He wouldn't tell Nott, but Caduceus was definitely a better hugger.

"Are you better now, Mr. Caleb?" His voice rumbled through the room.

Caleb slowly stood, and Caduceus let him. "Yes... thank you, Caduceus. I-" He looked away for a second. "I am embarrassed you had to experience that, Herr Clay."

Caducues only chuckled. "I deal with grief more than I'd care to admit. Panic, fear, they're parts of grief. Don't feel embarrassed for an experience you had no control over."

Caleb nodded, meeting his eyes. He took comfort in their cool relaxed comfort, and their steadiness. Caleb smiled. "I am glad you are here, Caduceus Clay."

Caduceus stood and put a gentle hand on his shoulder. "So am I, Mr. Caleb. So am I."

~

Beau hated early morning sunlight.

It slammed into her brain the second she opened her eyes, as her body complained at the sudden recoil from the brightness. She groaned, attempting to roll over, but something stopped her.

"Woah, there, Beau, calm your tits, you were poisoned and then you passed out and Caduceus caught you and you've been asleep for two days! Caleb said humans can only sleep for so long until they die. Is that true, Beau? And he also said-"

"Jester." Beau put a hand up to cover her eyes.

There was a pause. "Yes, Beau?"

"Shut up."

"Okay, sorry."

Silence followed, aside from the occasional pen scratch on sketchbook paper or giggle filling the room. Beau slowly surveyed her circumstance, reconnecting with herself. She swore at herself for meditating, but as much as she hated to admit it, it really did help.

She dozed off, drifting in and out of sleep, until a door creak pulled her back to reality. A muffled exchange of words, a clear laugh, and then someone new settled into the chair beside her bed.

She pretended to be asleep.

All seemed well, she relaxed, until a low gentle voice cut through the air.

"You had me worried, you know."

She didn't open her eyes. "I know. I'm... sorry. I shouldn't have been so stubborn."

A light laugh, and a sigh. "You weren't, though. You told me, albeit with a little hesitation, when I asked. It took me a few tries to help heal the poison, but your tip off may have saved your life."

She cracked an eye open. "Cad, this is, like, one of the only times you'll hear me apologize, and you just dismiss it like that?"

He looked ragged and tired, and had two cups of tea balanced on the table beside him. His hair fell in his eyes, but a with look of calm content on his face, she felt any worry start to slip away.

That is, until she saw blood on his armor. And on his face.

"What happened while I was out?" She asked, cocking an eyebrow.

He sighed. "We got attacked again, as usual. Fjord was... drowning, and I jumped in to get him out, but not before we got our fair share of beatings. Sirens are far more ruthless than in the stories Calliope told me."

She nodded slowly. "Is everyone alright?"

He shook his head. "Caleb was feebleminded. He had a hard time getting his bearings. Fjord had some bleeding into his lungs, and I took a spell to keep him up, Veth was poisoned and I managed to get her back up, and Yasha was upset when you were out and got hit hard when they first attacked. She's struggling, she'll be here for next watch. Jester..." He trailed off, pain much clearer in his eyes than Beau was used to seeing.

She let him think, but curiosity and worry got the best of her, even though she was fairly certain she knew. "What happened with Jester?"

"She died." He put his face in his hands. "She died while I was underwater, I almost wasn't there in time, she could have very easily..."

She put a hand on his arm. "Fjord would've drowned. You saved her anyway. You made a choice, and look at where we are now. She's alive, and so is Fjord, and Yasha, and Nott, and... me, I guess."

He nodded, covering her hand with his. "I just... I panicked, and I nearly lost every one of you. I..."

She squeezed his arm. "You didn't."

"I didn't." 

She smiled. "I, uh, I'm gonna go to sleep again."

He gave her a soft smile. "You do that."

She nodded off, unaware of the sniffle coming from the chair beside her bed.

-

He was supposed to stay calm.

That's what he was, a stone in the water and a rope to the boat, he was steady and strong for his closest friends. That's what he was supposed to do. That's what he was good at.

But not right now.

Right now, he sat hunched over in a chair, trying not to cry, while a human recovering from a near death experience attempted to rest.

Quiet, he thought. Let her sleep. Don't let your emotions get in the way. Don't be selfish.

Just this one time, don't be selfish.

It didn't work.

A bead of panic was already buried deep in his heart, made of metal, heating up too fast for him to breathe. He blinked his eyes rapidly, even stood and started pacing as quietly as he could to keep the tears from falling, and for a while he managed. He kept his footing, he slowed his breathing, his tail stopped twitching so anxiously.

A knock at the door startled him out of his daze, and he opened it to a sentinel ready Yasha, looking confident.

"Hello, Caduceus," she said, and he stepped back, allowing her into the room.

"Hey there, Ms. Yasha. Would you like me to make you some tea?" Seeing her was bringing the ball of fear back, and he shook his head quickly.

She pondered this, tilting her head to side. "I'd take some, yes."

He nodded, and turned to leave.

"Mister Clay?"

He stopped.

"Why are you crying?"

He froze.

Yasha put up her hands. "Sorry, I was just curious, I didn't know if..."

"Miss Yasha, I'm scared."

It took everything inside of him to say those words. Everything to make them stay in the air, but he couldn't keep the shake out of his voice or the tear from slipping down his cheek.

He turned to face her. "I found you, and you took me in, and I... I nearly lost all of you today, I actually lost Jester! I... I wonder if I'm supposed to be here even if-" his voice broke, but he continued, "-if I keep failing you."

Wordlessly, Yasha stood. He braced himself for angry words, ready to have his fears confirmed, when he was suddenly folded into her arms.

She hugged him close for a long time.

"Caduceus Clay, you are the best thing that has happened to this group in a long time. You've never failed us. You pulled each of us back from the brink, even when we were past it, and you do it without regret, without remorse."

He wrapped his arms around her, pressed his face into the crook of her neck and shoulder, and let himself cry.

She rubbed a hand on his back gently, saying nothing, and only letting go after he did. He kept his head down, tail hidden in shame.

"I'm sorry."

She shook her head firmly. "That's the second time you've apologized to me for something you didn't need to be sorry for today alone."

"I do, though. You need someone strong. That's what I am for you guys, I'm here to keep you strong-"

She grabbed him by the shoulder and started pushing him out the door. "Come with me."

"What?"

"Out."

"...Okay."

Yasha closed the door gently behind her, and pulled Caduceus down the hall with her. There was loud talking in the dining room, and a bright light spilling onto the floor. 

He pulled back, and said, "I don't..."

She nodded. "Trust me."

He waited by the door as she entered. Small talk slipped through the corridor, before a blue head peered out.

"Caduceus?" Jester asked, tilting her head, confused. "Were you crying?"

He looked away, up at the ceiling, studying the walls, anything to keep him from looking her in the eyes. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not." Jester stomped up to him and pulled his chin down to look at her. "You've got tear tracks all over your face! And your eyes are all red, and why didn't you clean the blood from your nose off? That's gotta be itchy-" She stopped, and her eyes went wide.

Caduceus tried to look innocent. "What?"

"Oh, Caduceus." She pulled him into a hug.

He didn't hug her back, and she didn't let go. 

"Ducey, what's wrong?" Fjord asked, poking out of the room, a toothy smile slipping off of his face.

"Nothing!" He said indignantly.

"He's doubting himself," Yasha said, speaking over him.

"What?" Fjord shook his head. "Caduceus, why?"

"What's happening? Why are you avoiding the food, Fjord?" Veth screeched indignantly, running out. She made eye contact with him, and he shrunk back immediately, ducking out of Jester's embrace.

"I'm fine! You've still got blood on your mouth, Veth, are you healed?" He said.

She shook her head fiercely. "That's from dinner. Mr Clay, you've got tear tracks down your face."

He closed his eyes, and clenched his fist. "I am fine."

"You aren't, Duce," a voice said behind him, and Beau leaned against the wall, a little wobbly. "You're so hunched over, and you've definitely been crying."

Jester reached out to touch his shoulder.

He slapped her hand away, and turned tail and ran.

-

He made it to the crow's nest in record time.

Too many people. Too many hands, watching eyes. He just needed to be alone, to get away. His eyes fell on the tall ladder, and he leapt up it, tucking into the bowl and curling up.

Another tear slipped down his cheek, and so he pulled himself together and prayed.

"Wildmother, I'm at fault. I am ashamed, guilty, and deserve this instability. I'm sorry for my actions. I'm sorry for failing you, for failing to follow your instructions. Please..."

His voice broke. He stayed silent for too long, before whispering, brokenly.

"Please forgive me."

He opened his eyes to darkness, with illuminated blue eyes looking sadly at him.

He hung his head.

Something shifted, and a few minutes later, he felt a halfling curl up next to him, and something started playing with his hair.

He sobbed.

Veth stayed silent, whispering gently into his ear, "It's okay, Caduceus, it's alright. You're safe. It's just me. You can trust me."

It took him a second, but he did calm down, and made hesitant eye contact with her. "I deserve this. I failed you. I failed her. I got Jester killed, and I wasn't fast enough."

Veth tapped his cheek. "I had less than forty five seconds before I died, and you brought me up like that. Fjord nearly drowned and you dived selflessly into the ocean and brought him back up. You healed Beau. You calmed both Caleb and Yasha down. You brought Jester back to life. Caduceus, it doesn't matter right now that she died. She's back."

He sighed, shoulders slumping. The nugget shaped guilt in his chest was starting to melt. "I'm supposed to keep you guys safe, that's my purpose, but it seems that every time I'm tested, I'm not fast enough."

"And yet, we're all alive." Veth pulled herself up and took his chin in her hands. "Jester would be dead right now if it weren't for you. So would I. Fjord would be in the bottom of the ocean. If you hadn't talked to Yasha, you wouldn't have found the dart, and Beau would probably be dead, too."

He nodded slowly, but closed his eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't make it better."

She pulled him into a hug. "You did."

He finally wrapped his arms around the halfling woman. "Thank you, Veth."

"I mean it."

She pulled back and shook his shoulders, and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead. In a flash, she was gone.

He closed his eyes and meditated, and when the breeze came cool to his face, he understood.


End file.
